I'm a Doctor, not a Starship Captain
by Space-Age Scribe
Summary: Leonard McCoy is not just the chief medical officer of the Enterprise - he also holds the rank of Lieutenant Commander (not that anyone on this tin can had ever noticed). One day, McCoy finds the bridge completely abandoned. Now the good doctor must put down the hyposprays and take a seat in the captain's chair in order to keep the Enterprise in the sky and bring his people home.


_I'm a Doctor, not a Starship Captain_

Disclaimer: They're not mine, but I wouldn't say no if they were. There is one quote from TOS episode 1x10, The Corbomite Maneuver. Virtual cookies if you catch it.

Rating: There are a few swears in here, but nothing too graphic. You really can't blame McCoy in this situation.

Summary: Leonard McCoy is not just the chief medical officer of the _Enterprise_; he also holds the rank of Lieutenant Commander (not that anyone on this tin can had ever noticed). One morning, McCoy wanders up to the bridge to find it … completely empty. Not a soul in sight. Now the good doctor must put down the hyposprays and take a seat in the captain's chair in order to keep the _Enterprise_ in the sky and bring the bridge crew back home.

Dr Leonard McCoy couldn't help the small spring in his step as he made his way toward the bridge. He'd actually been allowed a full night of uninterrupted sleep, and he'd managed to foist off today's mission on one of the junior medical staff. Sure, he would probably end up piecing someone back together by the end of the day, but he focused on all of the peace and quiet in between.

Lt. Masterson had returned to the medbay from the pre-mission briefing a few minutes before, so Leonard was taking the opportunity to hassle Jim Kirk one last time before he left to explore the planet below.

Leonard was just contemplating how best to insult his captain when the turbolift doors opened on to the bridge. It was unusually quiet. Stepping out of the lift, Leonard saw why: the area was completely empty.

The pinging from the scanners, the chatter of crew communications, the noises of the various computer systems, the faint vibrations of the engines – all of it seemed magnified in the eerie emptiness. The captain's chair stood facing forward, empty. Leonard had never noticed before how much vivacity the crew lent to the bridge, from Jim's boundless energy to Uhura's calm murmurings as she flicked switches, sifting through audible transmissions.

He stopped, puzzled. Even if the primary bridge crew were in a meeting, there were still other crew members remaining on the bridge. It was never allowed to be empty, for any reason short of abandoning ship. Never.

He briefly wondered if this was a practical joke. _I wouldn't put it past the brat_, Leonard thought, but quickly dismissed the idea. The doctor crossed the bridge to the hallway beyond, where the captain's ready room and conference rooms were situated. A quick check revealed both to be dark and empty.

Returning to the bridge, Leonard noticed a warning light blinking on the panel in front of Sulu's station. He strode forward to look.

Their orbit was already deteriorating. They had only minutes before this would become a problem.

As flippant as Jim could be, he would never endanger the _Enterprise_ or her crew. Something wasn't right here.

_First things first_, Leonard thought, striding forward to stand beside the captain's chair and hitting the intercom button.

"Bridge to Hernandez," he said urgently. Lt. Hernandez was second only to Sulu in terms of piloting ability and was the supervisor of the beta shift when no one from the command crew was on duty. While everyone had trained on the basic functions of all of the bridge stations, McCoy preferred to have someone who knew what they were doing sort this out.

"Hernandez here," a sleepy voice answered a few seconds later. Crap, the poor guy probably hadn't been asleep all that long.

"This is Dr. McCoy," Leonard said. "I need you up on the bridge right away."

"Be there in a couple of minutes," Hernandez said, instantly sounding more awake.

"Hurry," Leonard urged.

Two minutes and thirty-four seconds later, the turbolift opened to reveal the dark-haired lieutenant struggling to pull on his gold tunic. He obviously hadn't bothered with combing his hair. He walked onto the bridge automatically, stopping abruptly when he finally took a look around and realized the doctor was the only person on the bridge.

"What the hell?" he asked, walking toward his station.

"Your guess is as good as mine. This is how I found it a few minutes ago," Leonard said. He pointed at the warning light. "I didn't want to mess with that if I didn't have to."

"That's no problem," the pilot said, hands dancing over the controls. Within seconds, the warning had disappeared.

"Get a replacement crew up here; only what we need for now since we don't know how long we'll be short-staffed," Leonard ordered. "I'm gonna start trying to figure out what the hell happened."

"Yes, sir," Hernandez said.

Leonard walked over to Uhura's station. The ear piece was missing, so Leonard flipped the settings to speaker. "Computer, locate Captain Kirk," he said.

"Captain Kirk is not onboard," the woman's monotone answered.

"Computer, locate Commander Spock."

"Commander Spock is not onboard."

Leonard quickly made his way through the entire bridge crew. No one was onboard. Maybe there was something wrong with the computer.

"Computer, locate Christine Chapel."

"Nurse Chapel is in the medbay."

"Computer, locate Leonard McCoy."

"Dr. McCoy is on the bridge."

Crap, so their people really were missing. He called down to medbay. "Christine, I'm going to need you up on the bridge for a second."

Within minutes, the bridge began to fill with a skeleton crew of bleary-eyed members of the beta shift. He'd need to get food and coffee up here for them as no one had stopped en route from their beds to the bridge. Maybe even stimulants if they were desperate.

Leonard began cataloging a plan of action in his mind just like he planned a course of treatment as soon as he laid eyes on a patient.

"Get the highest-ranking security person you can find up here right away, then see if you can pick up anything from our missing people," he told a communications specialist as she scurried to her post. "Do whatever scans you need to do to see if they were transported off the ship or whatever happened," he ordered a science officer who ran to the science station so quickly he nearly missed the chair as he sat.

"Leonard, what's going on?" Chapel said, looking around as she hurried over to him.

"Great question," he ground out. "I found the bridge abandoned. Looks like the entire bridge crew is gone."

Bless her heart, Chapel remained the calmest person on the ship. "What do you need me to do?"

"Computer, how many crew members are aboard ship?" he asked.

"452."

Leonard swore loudly and creatively. There should have been 469. He turned to Christine. "Short of any medical emergency, I need you to figure out who's missing. Masterson should know who was in the area since he was at the briefing. Oh, and could you get someone to send up some food and drink from the mess?"

With a curt nod, Christine jogged back to the turbolift. Most of this assignment wasn't actually part of her job, but things were chaotic at the moment and she could be Leonard's right-hand man for the moment. It wouldn't be all that different from a normal working day, just fewer hyposprays involved - hopefully.

A couple of minutes later, Cupcake, aka Giotto, arrived on the bridge. Leonard let out a sigh of relief. At least he wasn't the only department head still on-board, although they seemed to be an endangered species at the moment. He'd heard about Jim and Cupcake's initial meeting and their stormy relationship at the Academy, but thankfully they had both put that behind them. He knew he could count on the man to watch his captain's back.

"There haven't been any alerts or alarms tripped," Giotto said without preamble.

"Let's call up the bridge security footage. Maybe that can give us some clues," Leonard said.

Moving to an empty station, Giotto quickly brought up that morning's security footage. Leonard looked at the time stamp. Less than an hour ago. He looked around the bridge as an entirely different group of people dove into their jobs in the same space. It didn't take long for things to change.

"Here we go," Giotto said, bringing Leonard's attention back to screen in front of them. It had been from the camera in the back corner. The bridge was bustling as the alpha shift geared up for another day. He could clearly see Jim, Spock, and the rest of the command crew file in, presumably just having finished their briefing. Masterson had headed straight for the turbolift, probably on his way back to the medbay to get his gear. Jim stood behind his chair as Scotty came up to talk to him and Chekov and Uhura wandered back to their stations. The other techs worked quietly in the background. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Suddenly a burst of light filled the screen. When it receded and the camera readjusted, the bridge was empty. Something had transported everyone off the bridge in an instant.

Leonard took a quick look at the time. "Fast forward it to the point where I arrive. Let's see how long we were without anyone on the bridge."

Eight minutes, as it turned out. Not long, considering. Still, no one noticed that there was no one in control of the ship for eight minutes? Jim would have things to say about minutes could mean the difference between the survival and destruction.

"Go back to just before the flash," he instructed Giotto. Seconds later he was once again watching his friends. This time, he focused on Sulu. The man was in the middle of inputting something into the computer when they were all whisked away. That would explain how the orbit decayed so quickly.

Seeing Scotty also reminded Leonard that he hadn't checked in with engineering yet. They must have engines if the pilot and navigator weren't panicked, but it wouldn't hurt to check.

"See if the science guys can't figure out what that flash was," he told Giotto. With a quick clap on the security officer's shoulder, Leonard went back to the chair to call down to engineering.

Scotty and a couple of other engineers were missing, but barring any major catastrophe the engines were standing by, the ensign in charge assured him. Given the number of injuries he saw in medbay on any given day due to engineering catastrophes, Leonard wasn't reassured. "No messing around with the engines until we've got everyone back," he ordered gruffly, severing the connection before the ensign could reply.

"Sir, we've discovered the type of energy used in the transporter beam," a crew member called over from one of the science stations. "It's not anything used in the Federation that we know of."

"Great," Leonard muttered, walking over to the crew member. "Was that good news or bad news that you just gave me?"

"Well, it is unlikely that this type of transporter has a very long range. I'd bet they're on the planet," the woman said, nodding toward the planet visible on the viewscreen.

Leonard felt a bit of worry fade away. "That's the first bit of good news. Good work," he said.

He couldn't help but smile a bit internally (he had a grumpy reputation to maintain, after all) as the woman straightened at the praise. "Thank you, sir."

He moved forward to where Hernandez and Bailey were monitoring the pilot and navigator's station. "We know the exact time they disappeared, so see if you can't calculate which part of the planet we were over when it happened . Do whatever scanning thing you need to do to find them," he said, gesturing vaguely at the controls in front of them.

"Call from medical, sir!" the communications officer called across the bridge.

Leonard walked back to the chair and hit the switch. "Christine, what've you got?"

"Security sent down the footage, so we know exactly who is missing. All crew members but those seventeen on the bridge are accounted for," she reported.

"Well, that's good, I guess," Leonard drawled. "I'll see if I can get someone to take over up here and be back down soon."

"Um, Leonard, you're the ranking officer on the ship," Christine informed him reluctantly.

Leonard froze. He had known from the time he had entered the Academy that he would be an officer upon graduation. The rank of lieutenant commander had been higher than he had expected, but Starfleet had suddenly found itself short of officers after the Nero incident. Thankfully, he rarely used his rank, mostly because his title of doctor was more than enough to strike fear in the hearts of the crew. Shit, he had never expected this to happen. He was the only person currently on board the ship above the rank of lieutenant.

"Shit," he said out loud.

"Look at it this way: Now you get to terrorize even more of the crew," Christine said, chuckling at his dismay. "Don't worry, Leonard. If anything happens down here, I'll call in Geoff."

McCoy signed off and tried to push down the panic that rose in his chest. Right now, he was in charge of the _Enterprise_ and everyone on it. He had to find the bridge crew. Their infant captain was doing this to him on purpose, he was sure.

Just as quickly, years of medical training kicked in. He found himself slipping into the calm professionalism that was required in any emergency situation. There was no room for worry or panic. He had a job to do.

He came back to himself to realize that he had taken a seat in the captain's chair. It was cold. "Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a starship captain!" he said quietly to himself.

The next hour was spent accumulating data. McCoy realized that everyone was funneling it through him; he was going to have to be the one to put together all of the pieces. Jim made it all look so easy, but McCoy was one of the few to know how much it took out of the kid sometimes. Leonard split his time between pacing across the bridge and sitting in the chair when the pilot and navigator became annoyed with his movement. When he wasn't taking another report, he was plotting ways to make Jim pay for this.

"Sir, I'm picking up another ship!" the navigator called out suddenly.

McCoy rushed to the navigator's station, biting back the curses. "Great. Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse," he muttered. He'd easily passed his academy course in tactical combat (Jim credited McCoy's years of experience in stealth hypospraying for Leonard's high grade), and he'd certainly been on the bridge during conflicts before. Still, that left him in no way qualified to lead a starship into battle. What would Jim do? Something utterly insane and illogical, probably.

"Status?" he asked.

"No life signs, as far as I can tell," the science officer called over.

The navigator shook her head. "The ship seems to be powered down, Sir. No shields, no weapons, no engines, minimal life support."

"All hailing frequencies open but no answer," reported communications.

"How did we not notice this before?" McCoy asked, studying the unusual vessel on the viewscreen. The alien ship seemed to flicker for a moment, then continued in its orbit.

"It has cloaking capabilities, which is probably why we missed it before," the navigator said, studying her readings. He shook his head. "I think the vessel is running out of power and the cloak has shut off, Sir."

"Keep your eye on it, Ensign," McCoy told him. "They seem to be under duress, but we can't become complacent in case they're playing dead. Put the ship on a silent red alert. The second anything changes, I want shields up and weapons powered."

His reply was cut off by the pilot: "Sir, we've found them!"

The doctor moved over to Hernandez. "What've ya got?"

"I've got clusters of life signs on the planet's surface," he said, pointing to one of his screens. "It looks like the ship might be holding a geosynchronous orbit above them."

"Conditions down there?" the doctor quickly asked. They couldn't afford to waste time if the crew were suffering.

"Typical Class M, temperature in a safe and comfortable range," someone reported from another station. "But, Sir, there are more than 200 life signs clustered into four groups."

"Any idea which life signs are ours?" he asked, figuring that would be too much to ask given their luck.

He was surprised when the pilot pointed to one group which stood just a short ways from a much larger group of life-signs. At his raised eyebrow, Hernandez answered, "Since you insisted on nanochipping the captain, it's easy to track him." Ignoring the snickers that the rest of the bridge crew were trying to hide, McCoy walked over to the chair and called the transporter room.

"Sorry, Sir, we can't get a lock on their signals. There seems to be some sort of interference that we haven't managed to get around yet," the engineer at the controls said.

"Of course there is," McCoy muttered to himself and anyone else who was listening. There was always interference just when they needed the transporters most. Leonard wasn't sure why they even bothered with the damn things. That meant that they had to do this the old-fashioned way by sending down shuttles.

McCoy called Cupcake and M'Benga up to the bridge and proceeded to have a crew confab with the rest of the bridge crew while standing in the middle of the room. They didn't have enough bridge staff right now to have that many people leave the bridge.

"How about we send down three shuttles to their coordinates. Two will approach, the other hang back out of sight in case there's trouble. They can scope out the situation," McCoy said, examining the map with the life-signs projected on the front screen. A few of the unknown life-signs had approached the _Enterprise_ group, but so far there was no sign of chaos or retreat that might signal a hostile encounter. Jim, of course, seemed to be standing at the front of the group.

"Why approach with so much caution? Those bastards have our people. We need to go after them and get our people out of there!" the navigator burst out.

"I'll keep that in mind for when this becomes a democracy, Mr. Bailey," McCoy said dryly. He sighed to himself. He and Jim had often talked about Bailey – while he had the potential to be a good officer, he had the same youthful enthusiasm as Chekov, but he was impetuous and old enough to know better. Chekov used his energy for good. Bailey seemed to be happy to shoot first and ask questions later.

Leonard heard the man huffing behind him but ignored him. No matter how the circumstances presented themselves, Jim would never forgive him for going in with all phasers firing if their lives weren't in immediate danger.

"We can put a security team each in two shuttles and a double team in the shuttle that hangs back," Cupcake said. "There should still be plenty of room for everyone."

McCoy nodded. "I also want medical personnel in each shuttle. M'Benga, you and Christine each take a shuttle. I'll take the remaining one."

M'Benga smiled. He had been forced to listen to many of McCoy's rants about Captain Kirk always leading away parties instead of letting someone else face the danger; this time, the doctor probably didn't realize he was doing exactly that.

"Sorry, Leonard, but Christine already made it clear you're to remain here. Don't worry, we've got it covered," he told his colleague.

McCoy threw up his hands and rolled his eyes, walking back to the chair as the group dispersed. He slumped down in the chair as he furtively watched M'Benga enter the turbolift. M'Benga turned around and smirked when he caught McCoy sulking.

Eventually the shuttles went through departure procedure. McCoy had seen Sulu and Jim run through procedures often enough, so he played his role without a hitch.

Even before the shuttles had reached the planet's surface, McCoy was bored as his mind slowed down for the first time that day. No wonder Jim could get twitchy at times. However, he had come to one important decision: his autobiography would be called _Damn it, Jim! I'm a Doctor, Not a _: My Life Spent Baby-sitting Starfleet's Most Idiotic Captain_.

"Visual contact in 15 seconds," one of the shuttle pilots reported.

Unconsciously, McCoy rose from the chair and stood in front of the viewscreen, mirroring the stance he had seen Jim take so many times. He fought down the anxiety fluttering in his stomach. Jim and the others were all right. They had to be.

"We see them. The situation appears to be under control. I've never seen the other species before, though," the shuttle reported. Seconds later the shuttle's view appeared on the _Enterprise's_ viewscreen.

McCoy could see the colorful uniforms of the _Enterprise_ crew far below the shuttle. A few of them looked up and waved as the ship approached. Jim in his gold tunic was briefly visible before the camera angle was lost. He appeared to be alive and well and standing on his own two feet. _There's a first time for everything_, McCoy thought to himself.

The _Enterprise_ crew was facing a small group of grey, hairless aliens. They were bipedal and appeared very similar to the beings that had become popular in late 20th century Earth lore, long before first contact with Vulcan. They stood roughly opposite the bridge crew, but several had broken off and appeared to be in conversation with the _Enterprise_ personnel.

Leonard felt some of his apprehension melt away. It looked like they had made the right call. Soon, Jim would be back onboard so he could strangle the brat himself for getting himself kidnapped. As if there wasn't enough to do on an average day in medbay...

After an interminable wait through landing procedures and making contact, Jim's face suddenly popped up on the viewscreen. "Bones!" he said gleefully. "I heard you're in charge. How many people have you made cry so far?"

Leonard schooled his face into his typical scowl. "Nice to see you, too. Thanks for leaving us with all the work while you go off gallivanting."

"Aww, Bones. You say the nicest things," Jim replied cheerfully (entirely too much so, in Leonard's opinion.

"So what's the situation down there? It looks like you've made some new friends," Leonard said wryly. Behind Jim he could see Sulu and Spock gesturing at the PADDs they were holding as one of the aliens pointed at Spock's display.

"We didn't have any universal translators down here, but from what Uhura and Spock have been able to figure out, these guys have been stuck here for a couple of months since their ship lost power and communications," Jim said. "Now that the shuttles are here with translators onboard, communication should speed up."

"Yeah, we've come across their ship. It was cloaked, but the power is down to where it barely works any more," McCoy reported. Always the doctor, McCoy then added: "How are they doing, health-wise?"

Jim smiled, knowing his friend would ask. "They're all right, Bones. They managed to beam down supplies from their ship before abandoning it, so they've actually been pretty comfortable if a bit anxious about their future."

"Understandable," McCoy said. "So how did you guys end up down there?"

Jim explained how the controls on the other ship had been set to beam up at least part of the crew if another ship appeared so they could appeal for help and avoid it being taken by pirates, but with failing power the transporter malfunctioned and beamed down the _Enterprise_'s crew instead. "They were really apologetic about it, Bones," the captain explained. "But hey, it certainly got our attention."

McCoy managed to refrain from lecturing Jim on how lucky they all were that the transporters delivered them in one piece. The bridge crew probably understood this perfectly well.

The rest of the day was spent trying to organize a rescue for the aliens. If it didn't cloak or use its engines, their ship could provide basic life support. Scotty spent much of the afternoon using the _Enterprise_'s transporters to move the alien crew back to their ship once the interference had been dealt with. Extra supplies of food and water were also beamed over, just in case. After Spock, Chekov, a team of stellar cartographers, and the aliens spent hours of poring over star maps, they were able to identify their home system. As it turned out, it would only be a couple of days of warping for the _Enterprise_. The aliens had known something was wrong with their power systems and were on their way home for repairs when they had to abandon ship. So close to home, yet with communications down they were stranded.

Evening was setting in on the part of the planet where everyone had landed by the time the shuttles had returned to the _Enterprise_. It was partway into the Beta shift, but Leonard had remained on the bridge, only remembering to eat when Chapel had brought him a sandwich mid-afternoon. He had to admit that he could appreciate Jim's circumstances a bit better now – not that he would ever tell the kid.

Now as he strode down to the hanger bay to meet the crews' shuttles, he felt relief. He was happy to hand the reins back over to Jim, but more importantly he was relieved (and slightly shocked) that everyone was returning to the ship as healthy as they left it.

"Bonesy!" Jim called as soon as he exited the shuttle, clapping McCoy on the shoulder with far more energy than someone who had been trapped on a planet all day had any right to have. "Thanks for taking care of my ship"

McCoy tried to maintain his scowl, but could not hold back a grin as he clapped Jim on the back. "It's not like you left me much choice, you know," he drawled. "Believe me, you're welcome to have your job back now."

"Hey, Bones," Jim said incredulously as they walked toward the bridge, "did you know that I didn't receive a single complaint about you today? It must have been lonely around here without anyone to hypo."

The laughing captain dodged McCoy's swat at his head and sped forward to enter the bridge. Behind them, Uhura smiled and nodded, ear piece still in hand from this morning, and once again took her place at the communications station. Already she had picked up some of the aliens' language and had a translator, so she began coordinating final preparations between the ships before departure.

Despite their shift having ended hours ago, the alpha bridge crew took their places so they could oversee their departure. "Captain, the _Epsilon_ reports ready," called over from her station. The name of the alien ship was too difficult even for Uhura to pronounce, so the _Enterprise_ crew had come up with its own name.

"Mr. Sulu, engage the tractor beam," Jim ordered. McCoy went to stand beside Jim's chair. After dealing with the situation all day, he wanted to see it through.

"Tractor beam engaged. Thrusters engaging," Sulu reported back.

"The _Epsilon_ is stable," Spock said from his station as he kept on eye on the other ship to make sure it was handling the strain of the tow.

Jim pressed the intercom button on his chair. "Scotty, how are the engines looking?"

"No problems at all, Captain. Power levels are holding," the engineer said. "I would recommend puttin' some distance between us and the planet before warpin', though, so the warp drive won't have to fight the gravitational pull while it's tryin' to pull a second ship."

"Understood," Jim said in his captain's voice. McCoy sometimes found it hard to believe that the bar-fighting, woman-wooing idiot that had been his roommate for three years at the Academy was the same man who sat in the chair with such composure.

"We have cleared the planet's gravitational pull," Chekov announced without looking up from his screens.

"The other ship continues to proceed with any problems and the tractor beam is stable," Spock said.

"Mr. Sulu," Jim said. "Let's get these guys home."

A few hours later found Jim and Leonard slumped on the couch in the captain's quarters. The alien ship was secure in its tow behind the _Enterprise_, and its crew reported that they were comfortable. Now all they could do was wait.

Both men were exhausted from the long day but had decided a drink was definitely in order - doctor's and captain's orders.

"Kid, only you can get kidnapped by aliens and then end up giving them a lift home," McCoy said, taking a drink to illustrate that it was all Kirk's fault.

"These guys are really lucky," Jim said soberly. "I mean, really, what are the chances we would stumble across them stranded here?"

"Well, whether or not these guys decide to join the Federation, you certainly made a good first impression," McCoy said.

Jim snorted. "Yeah, I'm sure the admirals will be shocked." Both men laughed.

"Seriously, Bones, thanks for taking command today. Everyone said you did great," Jim said.

"I knew that someday I was going to regret being commissioned a lieutenant commander," McCoy grumbled.

Jim grinned. "Hey, I don't have to watch my back now that you've had a chance to sit in the chair, do I?"

McCoy huffed as he set down his glass and rose to leave. "The chair is all yours, kid. I much prefer bein' a doctor and serving my time in the sanity of the medbay, thank you very much."

Jim set down his glass and saluted the doctor as he reached the door. "Good night, Captain Bones. Hey, that kind of makes you sound like a pirate."

McCoy rolled his eyes fondly. "Jim, I think you need to get some sleep. Good night, _Captain_." With that he left the captain's quarters and strolled down the hallway to his own. It had been a long day but a good day. Regardless, he'd be happy not to have to repeat it any time soon. Captain, indeed.

FIN.


End file.
